Vices (Warning-very long and whiny)

You know I have reached the all time low of procrastination when I start to write a blog post. I love to procrastinate everything. There is something inside of me that just loves to be under the gun, throwing things together, and stressed to the max. Either that or something inside me really just wants to be a bum.

I'm thinking the latter.

Lately I cannot get myself moving at all. I yearn to be one of those go-getter women that is awake at the crack of dawn to get her work out in before the day starts, works without complaining, deposits checks like a champ, skips the afternoon nap, grocery shops without even glancing at the candy aisle, sends birthday cards to all her family members, remembers the times of dates of all events, does her visiting teaching, starts a new quilting/craft project, and has made a beautiful healthy dinner right on the dot. But...I'm not. Truth be told even on my best day I don't do all of those things. I truly am a bum. I envy those people. My husband is one of those people minus all the girly things I said. Just a couple days ago before I let myself slip into my twelve hour sleep/coma I whined about all the chores I have to do on a Saturday after work (Steve has weekends off and I don't) The next morning on my lunch break I called to Steve to see what he was up to. The conversation when something like this:

Steve: "So what do you want to do tonight after work?"

Me: "Blah, there is too much to do, meh, rawr, I have too many chores. I need to just come home and reclaim the sunken spot on the couch where I belong."

Steve: "Oh, you mean the dishes, laundry, and cleaning stuff? Yeah that's all done."

Me: "What? Really? You did all that? It's only 10 AM!"

Steve: "Yep"

Me: "My sunken spot on the couch still needs to know that I care though..."

Yeah. This is my life.

I'm not like this all the time though. I don't want you all thinking I am a REAL bum. I usually waver at a menially productive level of existence and then it hits me like the plague. A plague that doesn't kill you but last a very long time. Actually come to think of it, my bouts of bum life are very much like mono (the illness) It lasts for weeks and I am struck dumb with an uncontrollable desire to do...well, really nothing. I will do absolutely nothing for a couple weeks and randomly snap out of it and return to my regular level of menial productivity.

You see, I have all these vices. And after a long while of living a normal adult life where I do normal adult things like be to places on time, keep my house from being overcome by grody laundry and dishes, and showering and wearing real clothes every day suddenly that bum inside of me fights for control and I am overcome with mono/bum sickness for three weeks. Oh my vices...

I say that a lot, like: "Oh! Nutty bars are like my one vice!! Yum! Shove that down my esophagus ASAP!"  or "House Hunters is my big vice. Turn that baby on and I'll pick house after house for four hours straight!"

Anyways, as you can see my vices aren't the normal vices most people claim. I don't smoke, drink, or engage in any illegal activities (unless consuming an entire box of ding dongs and not sharing even one is illegal) Oh no. My vices are so much more time consuming. They all involve me sitting on my butt and letting my mind slip into that place where no critical thinking goes on. My biggest decisions are if I want to go to the bathroom now or during the commercials of Teen Mom, and should I dip my chicken nuggets in ranch or barbecue sauce. I know, they're toughies.

Some of my vices include, facebook, watching any sort of trashy weird TV show that gets shown in reruns during the day time (aka, Teen Mom, True Life, House Hunters, Curb Appeal, Say Yes to the Dress, anything of discovery health or the travel channel, any cooking show, and I could go on and on and on) eating anything that I can cook in the microwave, hostess products, fruit ninja, reading health magazines and then making all sorts of meal plans and workout plans without starting them, youtube. You get the picture.

Sometimes when I'm snapping out of it I'm like "Who am I?" I am truly appalled at myself. I'm sure its much like waking up from a coma because suddenly I will awaken from the haze to "I'm your venus! I'm your power! Your desire!" blaring through the TV and find myself wearing my old girls camp t-shirt and high school soccer sweats surrounded by the chaos and covered with cheeto cheese and have no recollection of how I got there. I ask myself questions like "Did I really just subsist on cinnamon toast crunch alone for two days straight?" and "When's the last time I showered?" It is pretty ridiculous. I don't recognize myself. But when that snap back, I usually do it hard. I launch back into my routines and make goals and try to promise myself rewards for my good work. I do an ok job, but the bum inside me is always lurking waiting for its next chance to strike. I will never truly be a morning person, go-getter, or consistent awesomeness achiever but at least I can try.

What am I really trying to say is:

I have mono, which is also known as "I wanna be a bum" disease. And nothing I do or you do for that matter is really going to change that. For the next week or so I'm probably not going to shower regularly, my dishes will not find the dish washer, I will probably suffer from some sort of malnutrition because of the junk food I will consume, and it could be 5:30 pm but I would still be wearing yoga pants. So unless you want to bring over a box of your fave hostess products and camp out on the couch watching an eight hour marathon of Teen Mom, then back off. Go do your adult life things. Check back in with me when my facebook statuses say things like:

"Jaclyn Pace Huston just owned cooking a super duper delicious veggie-full dinner for my entire family and loved every minute of it!!!!"

instead of:

"Jaclyn Pace Huston just owned an entire box of Captain Crunch. What now cap'n? You gonna "crunchatize" me!?"

These vices of mine will mostly likely be the death of me, but I can feel the winds of change turning. A bout of productivity is coming my way. Writing this post has made the bum inside me feel ashamed and weakened. It is time for life! Let's go be adults for another month or so!