The dusty rut

I know.
It's been terrible lately. 
I should have some sort of punishment for neglecting you this long. But honestly, you should have seen it coming. I mean look at who I am. I do not feel that bad :)

I feel like I have fallen into a dusty rut carved deep and wide latlely. And every time I try to hoist myself out of it my lungs fill with powdery filth and I fall back choking into a cloud of suffocating dirt. Back to that comfortable, boring, and dusty hole. Tell me if you're not getting my metaphors, I can be a bit cryptic at times.

But in all seriousness, I'm not sure what's up with me. I feel as if I'm always waiting. You know what I mean? A couple weeks ago I was pondering just that because this is literally how my day went. 


I woke up and waited for my eyes to adjust to the obnoxiously bright bathroom light.
I turned on the shower and waited for the water to get hot.
I waited for my car to warm up.
I waited for my oatmeal to cool down.
I waited for the school bus in front of my to stop on the Glen.... ugh.
I arrived at work and waited for report to start.
I anxiously waited for my lunch break.
I exhaustingly waited for work to end.
I sat at the stop sign and waited for traffic.
I came home and waited for Steve to get there
Meanwhile I waited for my mom to come help me thread her ridiculously complicated sewing machine.
I waited for dinner to be done.
I waited not so patiently for the boo hoo crying parts of Biggest Loser to be over.
Then finally I waited to fall asleep.


What's with all the waiting yo? Why do I feel so anxious? Why do I feel like something way better will be right around the corner? Not only do I feel like I am waiting in my everyday life but my future goals just feel so so far away that it seems like it will never happen. You know? Kinda like when you were a little kid and you bragged to all your friends about all the things you would do if you were a grown up like stay up as late as you want, have a hawiian punch drinking fountain by the TV, eat whole bags of reese's cups, and your room would have a mcdonald's playplace ball pit instead of a bed. But it never really felt like you would ever be a grown up, it was just a far off dream. 


That's how a lot of my goals feel right now. People will ask me what I am doing with my life and I give them my impressive practiced speech about how "I'm working while I wait to start the nursing program next year, and yes I love my job, and yes we want kids but not until I finish school, and yes we will buy a house when the time is right, and blah bladee blahdee blah" When is anything going to happen now!? I feel as if I've reached the top of a mountain only to realize it was a false peak leading to a long plateau. I know eventually the plateau will end I mean look at me now, I'm all grown up and sleeping in a mcdonald's playplace ball pit isn't all it's cracked up to be. It is just quite a long, boring plateau.


I think maybe I'm getting a bit to comfortable. Nothing feels especially challenging. Everything seems the same. Maybe I don't have enough positive stressors in my life. Now that's something ridiculous to complain about: "Poor poor Jaclyn, doesn't have enough stress in her life," But I think you know what I mean. I need a new goal. I need motivation. I need something exciting that's happening sooner than two years from now or whatever.  I need to figure out what I want to work on. What I really need is a great goal like a hawaiian punch drinking fountain. That is the kind of thing that motivates people to get out of dusty ruts. I 'll keep you updated on what I come up with. And once I get that goal in mind, I'll hold my breath this time as I pull myself up out of the rut.